Twists once happier guts
Around its vicious screws.
Your relentless mard-arsed stare
Burns only at the walls,
And creeps heat through the edges.
Fidgeting work hewn fingers
Plays tiny little moves
In a pointless, losing game.
Daylight quickly fails.
Sentiment follows the sun,
Vanishing beyond the horizon.
Four in the morning sprints close.
Bundled quilt between us.
I sense your eyes still open.
Nothing good comes of silence.
Our apologies rankle and itch,
Bothering our stubborn bones.
Exhaustion leads to sleep.
Dreams of a phantom always;
A promise meant to keep.
Morning light repairs all wounds.
The bitter engine out of gas, so
We're back to smiles and kisses.
We heal strong, once our vexing love
Has blown an angry load
That turns waning days to ash.
We heal strong, once our vexing love
Has blown an angry load
That turns waning days to ash.
Yes! you nailed it - you're no slouch in the assimilation department either - or in the stresses. I'm beginning to get what Carlos Williams meant - the "native tongue" thing. This form fits English so well as it does here and several others where it becomes a more natural device for storytelling in a modern way than the ballad form which has to balanced so carefully to account for rhyme. That can be good sometimes, but sometimes inverted and forced -- very bad. Your poem has convinced me how evocative this form can be and how poetic - even when talking about love spats! Exceptional!
ReplyDeleteI find more restrictive forms, like the sonnet and ballad, are better from a storytelling perspective, where the triversen gives me the sense of ambling thought. Takes all sorts I suppose. Perhaps I'm the weirdo here.
DeleteAdam, you really created that feeling--a familiar one for those of us who share our lives with someone we love. You make me want to write another, trying to (as Gay put it) nail the form. It is so well done.
ReplyDeleteIt's definitely a fun prompt this week. Good luck "nailing" it.
DeleteYou rise to the prompt. I love your expression of the form, Adam. It feels like you and I are expressing a similar sentiment. This resonated with my piece for me. That's cool.
ReplyDeletereally some fine touches in this adam...your descriptors are great...choleric breath...work hewn fingers...silence is deadly man, for sure....you did very well...and good to see you too...feel like its been a while...
ReplyDeleteA fine telling of a familiar scene. Enjoyable read.
ReplyDeleteThe process of love and its path between affection and friction is strongly portrayed and described. You have captured vividly the disgust that then turns back to closeness after the storm has passed. reliving such painful memories can hopefully strengthen the relationship, as trials like this do. You've used the form to your advantage and it fits in an excellent way the vying emotions that unfold as we read it.
ReplyDelete